Saturday, December 5, 2015

ICYMI: Obama to Require Permit Applications For Writers Of Ed News

Washington DC.

The Obama administration issued a new rule over the weekend requiring people who seek to write about education related topics to register with the federal government and apply for a permit before publication.  This, according to an emergency press release issued by the Interior Department just last night.

Angered by what he called "the biggest Logical Fallacy I've seen since the debt ceiling crisis", White House sources close to the president say he directed his Secretary of the Interior to issue the new rule after reading the 'latest missive of buffoonery' from Slate Magazine.

The article in question -which argues that teachers should not use synonyms for simple words such as 'said' when training their young students to be writers- begins with the author admitting that his own fourth grade teacher used the technique with him as a child.

"See, that's the whole problem" explained US Interior Secretary Sally Jewell in a brief telephone interview "What upsets the president is that this guy grew up to become a published, successful writer. Any idiot would have to conclude that techniques like that -including that- are a big part of the reason for his success. I mean, talk about ingratitude."

She continued, "And this isn't the first time someone smart has said something completely dumb about teaching. Our own administration has screwed up curriculum, screwed up teacher evaluations and screwed up teacher recruitment. That's partly because we were reading trashy logic like this dud right here. Certainly, the American people are getting a little fed up with stupidity when it comes to our national discussions about education. This madness must end and, really, it must end now. We'll be issuing permits starting January 1st. Anyone in violation will face stiff fines and possible imprisonment."

President Obama could not be reached for comment, but was heard exclaiming "This guy is a freekin editor for Slate Magazine, for chrissakes! How much worse can this get?" The president was later heard explaining to a White House guest that, "this isn't about teachers. Everyone knows I could care less about them. This is about simple respect for the good name of intelligence everywhere. You can't go claiming to be smart, then come out with something stupid like this. It's just not the way it works".

Glancing the article on her cell phone, second Lady Jill Biden was heard mumbling "what kind of dunce ..." before simply going to check her Facebook page.

Sen. Paul after reading
 the article in question
Convening an impromptu press conference on the matter, Libertarian Senator Rand Paul began by proclaiming the rule to be harmful to Americans everywhere. "The National Government has no legitimate authority to encroach upon our rights of free speech and free press. This new rule, requiring permits -as though we need to be permitted to say what we want- represents a very real and present danger of an ever imposing and increasingly oppressive government"

Shown a copy of the article, Mr. Paul simply simply proclaimed "Oh" then ended the press conference and walked away.

Asked for a brief comment, Stan, a gas attendant working in Midtown, Manhattan shared "I agree with this guy. I mean, all my teachers hated me so, yeah, screw them". Grabbing the microphone used to conduct the interview, Stan then screamed out 'Screw you Mrs. Andersaaaan. Screw you!!!!!!" before being pulled away by his coworkers.

When learning the new rule Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump joyfully exclaimed "Brilliant! That guy is brilliant, creative and gutsy. I'd give that man a job any day! Look, people resent teachers, ok? This guy knows it and -adroitly, I think- exploited that fact to get more clicks on his article. That's smart. That's America. If you don't like it go somewhere else."

When asked to clarify his opinion of the new rule from the Interior Department, Mr. Trump simply replied, "Oh. That. Well, I was gonna do something like that anyways. What's Slate Magazine again?"

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